Should I Contact My Ex? A Practical Decision Checklist

01Do not contact them yet if safety is involved

If there has been violence, threats, stalking, coercive control or a legal restriction, seek specialist local advice before making contact. Do not use a decision checklist to override a safety plan or court order.

02Name the real purpose

• Practical: arranging children, housing, belongings or finances.
• Repair: asking whether both people want a calm conversation about reconciliation.
• Information: seeking an answer that is genuinely necessary.
• Relief: hoping contact will stop loneliness, panic or uncertainty immediately.
• Testing: checking whether they still care, are dating or will respond.

03Ask five questions before sending

• Has the other person asked for space or no contact?
• Can I accept no reply or an answer I dislike?
• Is the message respectful, brief and free of pressure?
• Am I calm enough to avoid repeated follow-ups?
• Would waiting 24 hours materially harm anything?

04If contact is appropriate

Keep it direct: “Hi [Name], I’m contacting you about [specific purpose]. Would you be willing to [clear request]? It is okay if you would prefer not to.” One respectful message creates room for consent; repeated messages remove it.

• Choose a suitable time and channel.
• Discuss one subject rather than the whole relationship by text.
• Do not demand immediate closure.
• Respect a refusal, silence or stated boundary.

05If you decide not to contact them today

Write the message without sending it, call someone safe, move your body, remove the conversation from easy view and choose a time to reconsider. The decision is “not today,” not necessarily “never.”