Relationships & connection
Grieving a Difficult Parent: Love, Anger and Regret Can Coexist
When a difficult parent dies, grief may not look like uncomplicated sadness. You may miss them, resent them, feel relief, remember tenderness and replay what neither of you repaired. Mixed feelings do not make your grief false—or make you disloyal.
This is general information, not medical, legal or financial advice. Services and rights vary by country. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
01Odele’s grief did not fit one emotion
Odele lost her father to suicide when she was seven. Her relationship with her mother later became distant amid mental-health and alcohol problems. When her mother died, sadness arrived beside guilt about the years of separation.
The original story finds meaning in Odele’s independence, work, exercise and bond with her dog. This revision keeps that hope without implying that activity resolves unfinished grief.
02Sort guilt into three questions
Regret can teach without becoming a life sentence. If you caused harm, repair what remains repairable. If you were a child, unsafe or overwhelmed, speak to yourself with the context that guilt often removes.
- Responsibility: What was genuinely yours to do, given your age, knowledge, safety and capacity then?
- Regret: What do you wish had been different, even if it was not fully in your control?
- Love now: Is there a value you want to carry forward through an action, ritual, boundary or relationship?
03Write an unsent, two-sided letter
You do not need to forgive, publish or send the letter. The purpose is integration, not a tidy verdict.
- Write what you loved or longed for.
- Write what hurt and what you will no longer excuse.
- Write what you wish they had understood.
- End with what you choose to carry—and what you choose to put down.
04Know when grief needs more support
Seek professional help when grief remains intensely disabling, brings persistent self-blame, worsens substance use or makes daily functioning unsafe. If you may harm yourself, contact local emergency services or a crisis service now.
“The reality is that you will grieve forever.”
— Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler, On Grief and Grieving
Your situation is personal
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Questions people often ask
Is relief after a parent dies wrong?
No. Relief can follow the end of suffering, conflict, caregiving pressure or fear. It can coexist with love and sadness.
Do I have to forgive them to heal?
No. Healing may involve understanding, boundaries, mourning or acceptance of what cannot be repaired. Forgiveness is personal, not an obligation.
Sources and further reading
Research behind this guide
These sources support the techniques, quotations and wider perspective used here. Your local rights, services and emergency contacts may differ.
- American Psychological Association: GriefAn overview of the varied emotional, physical and cognitive experiences of grief.
- APA: Grieving the midlife loss of a parentResearch and clinical perspectives on identity, goals and parental bereavement.
- World Health Organization: Doing What Matters in Times of StressEvidence-informed skills for grounding, unhooking from difficult thoughts, acting on values and engaging with kindness.
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